Laughing Stock

Compiled by Catlin Dorset

“What’s the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag? It would be wrong to urinate on the American flag.” -Gregg Turkington (aka Neil Hamburger) on Comedy Death Ray
1/2: Neil Hamburger @ The Casbah, casbahmusic.com

“I go to therapy now - he’s such an ass, he really is. I told him I had problems keeping it up during sex, and his advice was to look my girl right in the eyes while we’re having sex. That’s great; how am I going to think of other chicks when I’m staring right at her?” -Robert Kelly on Comedy Central Presents: Robert Kelly
1/2-5: Robert Kelly @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“Every time I tell people I’m Filipino, the first thing they say? ‘Oh, Filipinos eat dogs.’ Okay look, I only have one thing to say about that: It’s not bad.” -Edwin San Juan on Gabriel Iglesias Presents Stand-Up Revolution
1/9: Edwin San Juan @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“There are good things Black people do. [Government] knows what we do - they profile us. They know we will rob you, we will shoot you, we will cut you... but we will never blow you up, ‘Cause you got to be on time to f*** with bombs.” -Bill Bellamy on Back to My Roots
1/9-12: Bill Bellamy @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedycom.com

“I love me a whigger; you know, that’s my favorite thing. Oh, the Biebs is very thug. I don’t know if you know this, but he’s very thug. And if there’s one thing I will always be amused by, it is a rich, white, suburban kid who thinks he’s black.” -Kathy Griffin on Calm Down Gurrl
1/11: Kathy Griffin @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

“I went to an ATM today. Why would a homeless guy peddle for cash at the ATM? We’re at the ATM ‘cause we don’t have any cash, and you’re not getting a $20, bitch, I’ll tell you that right now.” -John Caparulo on Comedy Central: Premium Blend
1/16-18: John Caparulo @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“Do you still want to be having sex when you’re 75? Who are you gonna be having sex with? Other 75-year-old people! When in your life have you ever seen someone 80 years old saying, ‘Oh, yeah, the way she’s sucking her peas up through a straw is making me hard as rock.’” -Doug Stanhope on Comedy Central Presents: Doug Stanhope
1/22: Doug Stanhope @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com
1/23: Doug Stanhope @ The Comedy Store, La Jolla, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

“You could be the ugliest Black guy in California... you shave your head, and every woman’s like, ‘Mm-hmm.’ Ever see a white guy shave his head? Everybody’s like, ‘Leukemia?’ Black guy’s gettin’ laid, and I’m gettin’ chemotherapy. It’s not fair.” -Greg Fitzsimmons on Comedy Central Presents: Greg Fitzsimmons
1/23-25: Greg Fitzsimmons @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

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What A Joke

Local comic wins big at international competition

By Catlin Dorset

From more than 1,000 submissions from across the world, only 33 comedians were selected to prove their wit at the 34th Annual Seattle International Comedy Competition in November. When the grueling, 18-venue, 26-day laugh-fest concluded December 1, one comic was left standing: 26-year-old Pacific Beach resident Zoltan Kaszas.

“Being a comedian, you sometimes find yourself in grimy hotels doing rough shows, and you question if you’re doing the right thing and heading in the right direction,” Kaszas says. “Winning the contest was an affirmation that I’m doing alright and that I’m on the right path.”

Find out if Kaszas is indeed the world’s funniest comedian at one of his upcoming performances in San Diego:

1/3: Spacebar Internet Cafe, La Mesa
1/8: Porter’s Pub, UCSD campus
1/16: Harrah’s Rincon Hotel & Casino, Valley Center
1/22: The BeachWood, Pacific Beach
1/25: Twiggz Coffee House, University Heights

Find more event listings at zoltancomedy.com.

“I’ll teach your kids about gay marriage; It won ‘t even be hard. it’ll take me like five minutes. Just give me like two pickles and some glitter, and I’ll f***ing knock it out. I’ll teach ‘em about lesbians, too. Just give me like a couple clams and some flannel - I’ll throw it all in a Toyota Prius. Class dismissed.”