Fool’s Gold

By Josh Board

I support the arts, but it’s hard for me to praise the sell-out sequels, failed blockbusters and lackluster efforts Hollywood’s been cranking out of late. For a culturally stimulating experience this Spring, head to a museum before spending your hard-earned money on any of these new releases.

Evil Dead
Each month, Hollywood sends us a remake. Unfortunately, this one isn’t an April Fool’s Day joke. Written by the former stripper-turned-Hollywood-darling Diablo Cody - who won and Oscar for Juno, but since then has disappointed us with Jennifer’s Body, Young Adult and the series United States of Tara - this remake is dead on arrival.

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Scary Movie 5
This sequel-of-the-month tells the story of a couple that brings home a baby and learns they’re being stalked by a demon, who’s not being played by Charlie Sheen. Scary Movie 5 features Mike Tyson, which can qualify as scary, but the only thing resembling “art” in this flick is Iron Mike’s face tattoo.

Tom Cruise is a court-martialed soldier sent to another planet, where he has to kill an alien race. (Perhaps Cruise can find his next wife there.) The filmmakers wanted this film to be “art” so badly they even cast Morgan Freeman. Problem is, it’s directed by the guy who directed Tron: Legacy.

Pain & Gain
This one’s The Rock’s movie of the month. Or is he going by Dwayne Johnson now? Either way, Pain & Gain, which costars Mark Wahlberg, tells the true story of the Sun Gym Gang, steroid-taking bodybuilders who decide to kidnap a rich guy. It sounds promising, but it’s from Michael Bay, so it might be just about as good as Pearl Harbor and Transformers.

Diane Keaton in The Big Wedding, photo credit Barry Wetcher” alt="Robert De Niro and Diane Keaton in The Big Wedding, photo credit Barry Wetcher” src="” width="230" height="172" />The Big Wedding
Finally, the wedding movie of the month. A divorced couple has to pretend to be married for their kid, who is marrying somebody whose folks just wouldn’t understand otherwise. It’s got an all-star cast: Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton, Robin Williams, Susan Sarandon, Topher Grace and Amanda Seyfried. But before you get excited about the actors, know that it was written and directed by the guy that gave us The Bucket List, which had me grabbing for a bucket while trying to watch it.

If we go the entire month without paying to see any of these horrible movies, then maybe Hollywood will think about giving us art again - not counting the upcoming Iron Man 3 and Fast & Furious 6, of course.