Laughing stock: March comedy shows

Funny people headed to San Diego this month include Chris D'Elia, Whitney Cummings, Paul Rodriguez and David Koechner. 

3.1-3, 3.7-10: Anjelah Johnson

“I’m at the age where I want to be on a newsletter that tells you which foods are being sampled on each day of the week at Costco.” — Anjelah Johnson on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store,

3.7-9: Chris Hardwick

“I’m well into my 30s, and I know if I’m going to have kids, I need to have ’em soon. Like, you don’t want too long, right? ’Cause kids who are the product of old sperm are not right in the head. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That’s a very simple formula.” — Chris Hardwick on Just for Laughs

@ The American Comedy Co.,

3.9: Chris D’Elia

“Girls pick words that they like and then just run with it. Girls are on some new thing where they’re calling everything ‘random.’ Girls will say something’s random if it’s not even random. A girl will be like, ‘Oh my god, you’re wearing a jacket? That’s so random.’ It’s not random, it’s winter. Know what I mean?” — Chris D’Elia on White Male. Black Comic.

@ Harrah’s Resort SoCal,

3.14-16: Whitney Cummings

“Thank you Instagram for bringing to my attention that my friends secretly hang out with all the people they constantly talk s**t about.” — Whitney Cummings on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store,

3.14-16: Harland Williams

“Can you imagine if ‘laughter is the best medicine’ was actually used in the medical profession? ‘Excuse me, Mrs. Johnson, we’re sorry to inform you … you have a terminal brain tumor.’ ‘Oh, my goodness! Is there anything you can do?’ ‘Well, ma’am. Uh, knock knock…’ ‘Who’s there?’ ‘Eura.’ ‘Eura who?’ ‘Eura gonna be dead in about three f**kin’ weeks.’” — Harland Williams on Live at Gotham

@ The American Comedy Co.,

3.22-24: Paul Rodriguez

“No two people on the planet have exactly the same areola. For real. … Go home and look at one nipple, and look at the other. They’re not the same, man, they’re different, you know. ’Cause nipples come in all kind of varieties and flavors. Some people have like, really cute, pink, nice, appealing, inviting nipples. Then some people have like really ugly, coarse, rough nipples that are made out of elbow meat. You know who you are.” — Paul Rodriguez at The Laugh Factory

@ The American Comedy Co.,

3.22-24: David Koechner

“I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.” — David Koechner as Champ Kind in Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

@ The Comedy Store,

3.28-30: Nick Thune

“I’m just gonna start from the beginning. I was born young … Seattle, Washington. As I grew up, just got older, you know. Life. It was all kind of a blur until 7, when I was diagnosed with having bad vision.” — Nick Thune on Folk Hero

@ The American Comedy Co.,

3.29-31: Steve Byrne

“It definitely took me 40 years to realize where I stand politically. I think some people know right out of the gate, and some folks are influenced by their parents. Me, it took me 40 years. Nowadays, somebody’s like, ‘Hey, what’s your take on the death penalty? How do you feel about the presence of the United States in the Middle East? What’s your stance on abortion?’ Here’s my take on all those and more: I don’t give a s**t. None of those things apply to my daily life. I don’t know anybody on death row, the Middle East has been fighting for thousands of years and we’re not going to change that, and thank god my daughter’s not old enough to f**k. I just don’t care about any of those things, truly.” — Steve Byrne on Just for Laughs

@ The Comedy Store,

Copyright © 2019, © 2019, The San Diego Union-Tribune, LLC. All rights reserved.