Laughing Stock

Compiled By Catlin Dorset

"I never saw Asian people on television or in movies, so my dreams were somewhat limited. I would dream, 'Maybe someday, I could be an extra on M*A*S*H.'" -Margaret Cho on Notorious C.H.O.
12/5: Margaret Cho @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

"Black folks were never worried about anthrax, cause half the time we don't open our mail anyway. We might think that's a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, 'That's a red slip - unhuh.' You wanna get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z cd." -Aries Spears on Comedy Central Presents: Aries Spears
12/6-8: Aries Spears @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"I love lingerie. Oh, my God. I even have a subscription to the Victoria's Secret catalog. Well, I don't have a subscription, my neighbor does. She just hasn't received it for a couple of years." -Mitch Fatel on Comedy Central: Premium Blend
12/12-14: Mitch Fatel @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"I like Budweiser; that's my favorite beer. Not because of the way it tastes or anything, but because it's the easiest one to order when you're hammered. Bartender says 'Last call,' you cannot say 'Heineken' after 15 Heinekens." -Jon Reep on Comedy Central Presents: John Reep
12/13-14: Jon Reep @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

"Did you know the sensation of a sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm? That's why when I'm f***ing a chick, I keep a bit of pepper on the bedside table. As I'm coming, I chuck it in her face, because she deserves something." -Jim Jefferies on Fully Functional
12/14: Jim Jefferies @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

"Here's what a bad dad I am: I have twins, and once in a while people come up to me and go, 'Hey man, we're pregnant with twins, what can I expect?' Well, I don't know, I got a Guatemalan chick that comes over and she's real good with them, if you want her number." -Adam Carolla at The Irvine Improv
12/18: Adam Carolla @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"So, I was talking with my girlfriend, and she's decided this year for Lent she's gonna give up sex. So I decided that this year for Lent, I'm gonna give up my girlfriend." -Taylor Williamson on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
12/19-22: Taylor Williamson @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"Here's a fun fact: 36 percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. Now, it's not clear of that 36 percent how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman . That's an easy mistake to make." - John Oliver on John Oliver's New York Stand-up Show
12/27: John Oliver @ Spreckels Theatre, spreckels.net

"I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn-off-the-lights body, leave-your-shirt-on body... this is a tell nobody." -Felipe Esparza on Russell Simmons Presents: Stand-Up at the El Rey
12/27-29: Felipe Esparza @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"I actually hate golf; I think it's a stupid game. I'm very happy for Tiger Woods, breaking the color lines, but at the same time very sorry to see yet another race sucked into such a stupid-ass game." -Paula Poundstone on the Late Show with David Letterman
12/31: Paula Poundstone @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

"I get stopped 70 percent of the time that I'm going through airport security. They ask me to step aside; they're profiling me. They don't look at me and think, 'Islamic terrorism,' they look at me and think, 'Oklahoma '95.'" -Jim Norton on Please Be Offended
12/31: Jim Norton @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

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