By Catlin Dorset
"I was just buying some clothes and I realized, if I get one more 'X' on my clothing, I'm going to be next year's Super Bowl." - Louie Anderson on The Late Late Show
8/3: Louie Anderson @ Ramona Mainstage, ramonamainstage.com
Louie Anderson starred in, and won two Emmy Awards for, his animated FOX series, Life WIth Louie.
"When it comes to Jimmy Hoffa, you could turn up pictures of him f***ing Amelia Earhart in the lost city of Atlantis, and I still don't care if you find his grave. Leave it alone. He's a dead guy, not America's G-spot." - Bill Maher
8/4: Bill Maher @ Humphrey's Concerts by the Bay, humphreysconcerts.com
The four-time bestselling author currently hosts the 11th season of his HBo talk show, Real Time with Bill Maher.
"Women do sh!t that is certifiably insane. Puttin' towels in a bathroom ain't nobody supposed to use? What type of sh!t is that?"- D.L. Hughley
8/8: D.L. Hughley @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com
One of four comedians featured in Spike Lee's The Original Kings of Comedy, D.L. Hughley recently partnered with Cheryl Burke on Season 16 of Dancing with the Stars.
"They say Michael Phelps can't go swimming for three months 'cause he smoked pot. I think that's kind of strict. I mean, I understand you shouldn't go in the pool 30 minutes after you eat, but what kind of munchies did they think he was gonna get off that?" - Arj Barker
8/8-11: Arj Barker @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com
Arj Barker performed in and helped write the off-Broadway show, The Marijuana-Logues.
"Every picture my daughter draws of me now has me with a martini glass. It's just a triangle, a stick and my three fingers. Yeah, three fingers. she's not that bright, but she's a good kid. She makes a mean drink, too you'd like her." - Tom Papa
8/15-17: Tom Papa @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com
The former host of NBC's The Marriage Ref, Tom Papa recently starred alongside Matt Damon and Michael Douglas in the HBO film Behind the Candelabra.
"So, my girlfriend just made me get an AIDs test, and she wanted me to get the results on a Friday. I said, 'Because if I have it, it'll ruin my whole weekend.'" - Jamie Kennedy
8/15-17: Jamie Kennedy @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com
Creator and star of The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, this comedian/actor is most known for his fanatical character in the Scream horror flick series.
"I've been clean and sober for three and a half years now. If you're booing to that, I don't mind. I don't blame you, because I'll tell you, being clean and sober - I don't f***ing recommend it." - Steve-O
"I hate text messaging, man. I'm gonna start bringing books to the dinner table. When people start text messaging, I'm gonna whip out a copy of Moby Dick." - Tom Green
8/22: Tom Green & Steve-O @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com
Touring as "The Original Pranksters," rapping talk show host Tom Green and Jackass stuntman Steve-O are taking their Las Vegas show on the road.
"Did you guys hear the man who wrote 'The Hokey Pokey' just died? It was very sad and very embarrassing at his funeral. They could not get him in the casket. They put his right foot in..." - Craig Robinson
8/22-24: Craig Robinson @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com
Known as Darryl Philbin on NBC's The Office, Craig Robinson recently starred alongside James Franco and Seth Rogen in the summer flick, This is the End.
"You learn a couple of things watching your wife give birth. First think you learn is: I don't care if you're a carpenter, 'til you see a women give birth, you really don't know what 10 centimeters is."- Billy Gardell
8/24: Billy Gardell @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com
Currently starring alongside Melissa McCarthy on CBS' Mike & Molly, this funnyman was the voiceover for Santa in Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas.