Laughing Stock

Compiled by Catlin Dorset
"America has so many nuclear weapons that, over the years, we've lost eight of them in the ocean. Do you guys know how hard it is to lose eight of anything? I can't even lose one virginity." -Joe Machi on Last Comic Standing
6/4-6: Joe Machi @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com 

"If you're a man, never text me 'hee hee.' It's weird. Every time I get a 'hee hee' from a dude, two d*cks might as well touch right above my phone." -Owen Benjamin on High Five Til It Hurts
6/4-6: Owen Benjamin @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

"Son: 'Do you know it is legal rape if you stick your finger in someone's belly button?' #WTF" -Heather McDonald on Twitter
6/11-13: Heather McDonald @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I'm sad because I have to travel tomorrow and I don't like flying... because my name's Ahmed Ahmed. I can't even fly a f***ing kite. That's how bad it is." -Ahmed Ahmed on Martin Lawrence Presents: 1st Amendment Stand Up
6/12-13: Ahmed Ahmed @ The Comedy Store La Jolla, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

"I was 37 when I got divorced. I went on a date with a 20-year-old. I thought, 'I'm gonna be a cougar,' seems to be in style. I couldn't do it. I don't know how men date women younger than them. How do you show someone your penis who doesn't know who The Beatles are?" -Jen Kirkman at the Melbourne Comedy Festival
6/18: Jen Kirkman @ The Irenic, theirenic.com

"I have to admit I was a little freaked out about the first time I was going to be holding my twin brother's daughter, because I knew there'd be a second where I'd look down and think to myself, 'Oh, my god, this is what it would look like if I had sex with his wife.'" -The Sklar Brothers on Comedy Central Presents
6/18-20: The Sklar Brothers @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"Recent survey shows women do NOT like you yelling, 'I've got a dick, and it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail!' before penetration." -Michael Malone on Twitter
6/19-20: Michael Malone @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

"I want to get pregnant like right now, because I don't want to be one of those women who waits until they're 45 to have a baby. 'Cause then you have one of those messed up kids that's allergic to peanut butter. That's my worst fear - to spawn one of these sissy-ass kids." -Ali Wong on Comedy Central's Comedy Underground
6/19-20: Ali Wong @ The Comedy Store La Jolla, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

"I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now, when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them that I was attacked by a mountain lion. She took off her clothes and I said, 'Man, we better find these cats.'" -Felipe Esparza on Comedy Central's Premium Blend
6/25-28: Felipe Esparza @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"Personally, I've never been interested in backdoor sex. You know why? Because it's all I can do to keep the front entrance nice for company. You know, sweeping the walk, trimming the hedge." -Laura Kightlinger on Shorties Watchin' Shorties
6/25-27: Laura Kightlinger @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

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