Kanye or Nay

As I put the finishing touches on my Trump jack-o’-lantern – if Trumpkin.com is still available on GoDaddy, I’m gonna be rich – I can’t figure out which is scarier: The Donald as Commander in Chief, or Kanye in the West Wing (Of course, Kimye would rename it North West Wing in honor of their first-born.) But what if these two candidates ran against each other? Using statements they’ve actually made in public, let’s imagine their first Presidential debate...

ON EDUCATION

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.” - Kanye West

“Twenty-five countries are better than us at education. And some of them are like third world countries. But we’re becoming a third world country.” - Donald Trump

ON NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION

“I have, like, nuclear power, like a superhero, like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on.” - West

“I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons.” - Trump

ON RACE RELATIONS

“No flip flops for black dudes. I don’t care where you at.” - West

“I’ve always had a great relationship with the Blacks.” - Trump

ON RELIGION

“I’m the closest that hip-hop is getting to God. In some situations, I’m like a ghetto Pope.”- West

“When I drink my little wine, which is about the only wine I drink, and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness.” - Trump

ON BEING A FATHER

“I never understood planned parenthood, ‘cause I never met nobody plan to be a parent in the hood.” - West

“I’ve said, if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” - Trump

CLOSING STATEMENTS

“I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.” - West

“You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write, as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” - Trump

Maybe Trumpkin and Yeezus can join forces and run on the same ticket, which would be more frightening than anything you can find inside this hauntingly Halloweeny issue of PACIFIC. Scary stuff.

Sincerely,
David Perloff, Editor-in-Chief