The Pickup Line
By David Perloff
Photos by Leetal Elmaleh
(Published in the February 2011 issue)
Hello Bar West! Welcome, everyone, to
PacificSD
‘s Dating Game. Can I get a whoop-whoop?!
Host: I’m Alyson Baker from PacificSD. Chuck Woolery called in sick. Tonight, three bachelors will compete for one woman’s heart. That woman is the statuesque blond sitting here before you. Please say hello to Tandy.
Host: Tandy, without revealing your age or what you do for a living, tell us who you are and why you’re here tonight.
Tandy: Well, my name is Tandy and I’m a fun-loving gal. Hopefully, maybe, there’ll be a little spark and I’ll go on a great date tonight!
Host: Now I’d like to introduce you to the three bachelors Tandy will choose from without seeing their faces before she makes her choice. Everyone, please give a warm welcome to our brave bachelors.
Host: Here’s how it works. Tandy will ask the bachelors a series of questions, then pick which lucky guy she’ll have dinner with this evening. First, let’s meet the bachelors. Bachelor #1, without revealing your name, age or income, please say hello to Tandy and say something about yourself.
Bachelor #1: Hello, Tammy! I make cheese.
Host:He makes cheese? Bachelor #1 makes cheese. Woohoo!
Okay, Bachelor #2, your turn.
Bachelor#2: Ok, I just want to get this correct. This is “Tandy,” so it’s “candy” with a T?
Tandy: Correct.
Bachelor#2: Ok, Tandy, I make love.
Host: Bachelor #3, you’re up.
Bachelor#3: So, we have cheese, love...I babysit. The thing is, though, I wish I could babysit kids, but I babysit 40- and 50-year-olds.
Host: Okay, Tandy. You’re up. Ask the gentlemen what you need to know to pick which one you’ll have dinner with.
Tandy: Bachelor #1, what one question would you ask me to figure out if we were a good match? Besides if I make cheese.
Bachelor #1: What one thing would you like to do on a Saturday evening?
Tandy: Ok, all right...it’s Friday, but-
Bachelor #1: I’m looking ahead to the future.
Tandy: Bachelor #2, what’s the most romantic thing you’ve done on a date?
Bachelor #2: I think the most romantic thing I’ve done on a date is wine tasting on a hot air balloon.
Tandy: Ooh, all right, not too shabby. That’s a couple points there. Bachelor #3, what super power would you like to be endowed with?
Bachelor #3: Your choice of words leaves much for the imagination, but I’ll keep this PG for the kid readers in the audience. I think if I had a super power I would fly.
Tandy: You would fly?
Bachelor #3: Yeah, no doubt, because then I could go wherever the hell I wanted to. Doesn’t matter what time of day it is, I’m there, done! And don’t worry, I’d carry you with me.
Tandy: Nice. All right, we’ll go back to #1. Cheesemaker, give me your best pickup line.
Bachelor #1: Hey baby, what are you wearing?
Tandy: That’s it? Ok, Bachelor #2, if I were a map of the US, where would you travel to first and why?
Bachelor #2: I’d travel to the Florida Keys.
Tandy: All right. Any particular reason?
Bachelor #2: Yeah, cause it’s beautiful out there. The weather’s incredible. We’d have a wonderful time, we wouldn’t be cold, I’d get a chance to see what you look like in all different kinds of outfits and I think we’d have a lot of fun.
Tandy: All right, I’m going to do this with Bachelor #3. If I were a map of the US, where would you travel to first and why?
Bachelor #3: So, if you were a map of the United States? I think I’d go-
Tandy: To the Grand Tetons? Want me to help you?
Bachelor #3: The Grand Tetons? I’d definitely travel to the highest peak of the Continental Divide if that’s the case, where it’s a little cold and you gotta stay a bit warm together.
Tandy: Nice, that’s perfect. Bachelor #1, if you were a food, what would you be and why would I eat you?
Bachelor #1: Oh, you already know what that answer is.
Tandy: I know, don’t say cheese! Just don’t.
Bachelor #1: Sushi, because it’s raw.
Tandy: All right, getting better. I’d like to hear Bachelor #2 answer the same question.
Bachelor #2: Now, does the food include a type of food, like Italian?
Tandy: It can be any type, any piece, whatever.
Bachelor #2: If I could be any type of food, I’d probably say a gourmet hamburger. It’s juicy. If it’s got the right stuff, it’s got a little crunch to it, a lot of different flavors in it. I’ll go with that.
Tandy: All right, there you go. I’m not sure about the crunch part. What is the one thing about yourself that no girl should know?
Bachelor #2: What kind of question is that? The one thing no girl should know about me? Hmmm...
Tandy: Buying time over there?
Bachelor #2: If it was something I didn’t want her to know, I wouldn’t tell her. I guess it would probably be that I really love children.
Tandy: Really? Ok. All right, lets see what question do I want to ask. We’re on Bachelor #2 right?
Bachelor #3: Hey, three! Three!
Tandy: All right, my bad, B! Bachelor #3, if you had to give up sex or talking for a year, which one would you pick and why?
Bachelor #3: That’s a pretty heavy question right there. Sex or talking for a year. Do you know what, if I’m going to be honest, I think I would give up sex. I think I’d give that up because, if you’re looking for more of a relationship, then a lot of it comes down to talking-you know, all that happy, fuzzy sh*t that happens in words.
Tandy: I like that. If that was truthful, that was a good answer. Bachelor #1, if your house was on fire, what would you grab first as you ran out?
Bachelor #1: Probably my pussy...cat.
Tandy: Your cat? Awww! Bachelor #2, what action figure best describes you?
Bachelor #2: Lion-O from ThunderCats. That is the man right there.
Tandy: Aww, get it! Good one! That’s a good one. Bachelor #3, if I were stranded on a deserted island, how would you save me?
Bachelor #3: To be honest, I think I’d have to put on my flip-flops and walk on water to save you.
Tandy: Look what you’re doing to these girls in the audience. That’s the perfect man right there. Bachelor #1, assuming you’re really loud while making whoopee, give me an idea of what that might sound like.
Bachelor #1: Oompa, loompa, doom-pa-dee-do!
Tandy: Now, does that reveal your height? All right, let’s hear from Bachelor #3. What would the theme song of our first date be? Don’t pick “Toot It And Boot It.” That won’t win anything.
Bachelor #3: Ok, have you ever seen Chariots of Fire?
Tandy: No.
Bachelor #3: Aww, has anyone here seenChariots
of Fire? Okay, we’ve got one in the audience. The guy, he’s singing, dun-dun-dun-dun-duh, and he’s running in slow motion? That is epic. That’s the theme song.
Tandy: When did that movie come out?
Bachelor #3: Like, 80s. I was probably-I don’t know what I was when it came out.
Tandy: Oh, that was close. You can’t tell me your age. Ok, does anybody in the crowd have any good ones?
Tandy: Bachelor #1, why should I pick you? That’s a good one.
Bachelor #1: Because I’m drinking a Coors Light.
Tandy: Bachelor #2, why should I pick you?
Bachelor #2: Right, we’re all drinking Coors Light. Well, you should pick me because, one, I know we’re going to have a great time, I’m going to make you laugh, I’m sarcastic, I can tell you’re witty, you’re quick, I think our wits would match well, and I’d like to see where we can take it from there.
Tandy: All right, that’s a good answer. Bachelor #3, why should I pick you?
Bachelor #3: This is the guy that’s going to fly-to walk on water, I mean. What else do you need?
Host: Ok Tandy, that’s it for the questions. Now you can take a second to think about whom you want to pick. Crowd, go ahead and help her out. Whom do you think she should pick?
Tandy: Man, I really, really liked #2’s last answer. All right think of a good one, one last question. Bachelor #1, what would we do tonight? Where would we go, what kind of date would we have?
Bachelor #1: We would have some wine and cheese and talk, get to know each other.
Tandy: Ugh, really? Number two?
Bachelor #2: Okay, let me ask you some questions. What would you like to do tonight?
Tandy: Oh, you’re going to switch it up on me, huh?
Bachelor #2: Well, yeah, in order to make plans, I would have to get to know you better right?
Tandy: Shoot.
Bachelor #2: Do you like to dance?
Tandy: Yes.
Bachelor #2: Ok, we can start with that. We’re already having drinks and getting into it.
Tandy: You’re losing it; it’s slippin’.
Bachelor #2: All right, here’s what we’re going to do: grab a drink, get a bite to eat, get something in our system and get to know each other a little bit better, crack some jokes, laugh a little bit and then enjoy the rest of the night and see where it takes us.
Tandy: And you, #3?
Bachelor #3: Well, after Bachelor #2 is done with you...
Tandy: Ew!
Bachelor #3: I’ll pick you up and save you. No disrespect. I think tonight we’re going to enjoy BarWest with some appetizers and probably get on with whatever agenda they have planned for us to support Bar West and Coors Light. But after that, to be honest, I think if I’m going to give up sex for a year then we’ll just have some good conversation.
Chariots of Fire
song>
Host: Ok, Tandy you’re up. Who do you pick?
Tandy: I think I’m still going to go with Bachelor #2
Host:Ok, Bachelor #2 is the winner! Let’s give him a hand
everyone! Ok, Tandy, now let’s meet the guys you did not pick.
Host:Ok, Tandy, it’s time to meet your date. Bachelor #2, come on down! On behalf
of PacificSD and BarWest, thank you all so much! Stick around-we’ll buy you more
drinks.
Tandy and Bachelor #2 (aka Aaron) head to a more secluded private area at the back of BarWest to have dinner. After appetizers and a couple drinks, they’re separated for mid-date debriefings.
PacificSD: How is it going so far?
Tandy: The date’s going really well. He’s very funny. So, not too shabby-it was a good pick.
Aaron: It’s going great. It’s a lot of fun. We’re getting along, I think, real well. There’s a lot of jokes and sarcasm and humor that’s going back and forth, and it’s been fun.
What was your first impression of your date?
Tandy: He’s interesting. He’s really, um...he’s a little on the bossy side, so I think he’s trying to control a lot, just with the dating and what to order and everything like that. So, yeah, we’ve got really strong personalities.
Aaron: She’s a very striking woman. In her looks, her attitude and demeanor. Her personality-she’s got a real strong personality, so it’s good.
Is this the type of person you’d normally date?
Tandy: I do like his personality. I think we can go back and forth with each other, and its pretty amusing. Would I pick him walking down the street? I don’t think so, but he’s really funny.
Aaron: Yeah, absolutely. She’s fun and she’s witty, you know? She’s got a good sense of humor, she’s playful, she seems like she’d just be a lot of fun and up for doing a lot of different things, so, I like that.
What’s the most attractive thing your date has done so far?
Tandy: I don’t know yet. Nothing really attractive; he can hold a conversation.
Aaron: I think she’s got a great sense of humor
Least attractive thing?
Tandy: Just being a little too-it’s interesting how he’s, like, alpha-male, you know what I mean? Like, “sit here,” and “do this,” and “we’ll order this.” And that’s a put-off.
Aaron: There hasn’t really been a least attractive thing.
What would your parents say if you brought your date home?
Tandy: Not sure.
Aaron: She’s taller than you.
Rate your date on a scale of one to 10 for looks?
Tandy: He’s good looking; he’s definitely up there. He’s an eight or a nine.
Aaron: Nine.
Personality?
Tandy: I’d give him a 10.
Aaron: A 10.
If you could leave right now without hurting your date’s feelings, would you?
Tandy: No, I wouldn’t, ‘cause my pizza’s waiting.
Aaron: I’d stay.
Do you want to kiss your date now?
Tandy: No, I don’t think so.
Aaron: No, I just ate jalapeno nachos.
Does your date want to kiss you?
Tandy: I don’t know, maybe.
Aaron: Probably not, because we both just ate jalapeño nachos.
Anything you’d like to add?
Tandy: This has been really fun.
Aaron: I’m still hungry.
As their entrées arrive, the couple is finally left alone to enjoy the rest of the evening away from pesky photographers and game show hosts. We call the next morning to see what we missed.
PacificSD: Overall, how was the date?
Tandy: I had a wonderful evening. I’m glad that I did the game show and for the opportunity to meet new people. The guys selected were fun, and my date following it was great. We ended up having a lot in common.
Aaron: The date was a lot of fun. We ate, drank, danced and talked a lot of smack.
How was dinner?
Tandy: It was fun and sophisticated. BarWest gave us a private booth in the back, quiet and out of the way of the madness of the club, which gave us a chance to get to know each other.
Aaron: We started off the date in the VIP area, which was enclosed with curtains for privacy-not that people gave us any. We had drinks, then ordered a pizza for the main course.
What was the best part of the date?
Tandy: The best part of the date was friendly competition and banter when we went to Brewley’s Pint to shoot pool. I won, of course.
Aaron: I had a great time with the dating game. WINNER! First time doing something like that. Lots of laughs from start to finish.
Worst part?
Tandy: There really wasn’t anything bad that went on. He was nice, funny and a complete gentleman.
Aaron: The paparazzi.
Funniest part?
Tandy: His expression when we first saw each other. I was six-foot with my heels on, and he wasn’t. The game show answers were the funniest part, though.
Aaron: I can’t ignore the obvious-being six inches shorter then my date was hilarious. All you can do is laugh and go with the flow and have a good time.
Was there a romantic connection?
Tandy: We just enjoyed the night out and didn’t place any pressure on romance. It was fun laughing and having a battle of wits with each other.
Aaron: No romantic connection on this one.
What happened after the magazine crew left you two alone?
Tandy: We went to Brewley’s Pint to hang out and have some fun. It was relaxing with no pressure. We had a great time listening to music and playing pool.
Aaron: We decided to mingle with the crowd at BarWest for a while, then headed over to Brewley’s Pint to shoot pool and change scenery. That’s where we ended the night.
Will there be a second date?
Tandy: I would love to hang out with him again. I don’t think it was a love connection, I did have a wonderful time.
Aaron: She was a lot of fun, but no second date.
Aftermatch: Love may be blind, but finding it on the far side of a bamboo screen at a bar in Pacific Beach is a tall order-about six-feet tall with heels. Luckily for Tandy, she had a blast and didn’t feel like she got the short end of the stick.
Online dating seems to have its merits,
and if PacificSD has anything to do with it, in-line dating will catch on soon enough. Next, we’ll be looking for three bachelorettes. You down? Email
Boys Don’t Cry
A few words with the runners-up
What did you think when you saw Tandy for the first time?
Bachelor #1: Tall.
Bachelor #3: My first thought was, “Hell-o!”
Best part of the night?
Bachelor #1: Meeting new people.
Bachelor #3: Having most of the crowd chanting, ‘three, three, three,’ when Tandy was about to choose. That meant, even though I didn’t get chosen, I had the possibility of at least 50 other blind dates in the crowd.
Worst part?
Bachelor #1: There wasn’t one.
Bachelor #3: When 25 of the 50 blind dates in the crowd turned out to be married or dating the other 25.
Funniest part?
Bachelor #1: Trying to explain to everyone the cheese-making process and that it was only a hobby.
Bachelor #3: Destroying all the glasses as I walked up onto the stage. Not normally a huge klutz.
How did you feel when you didn’t get picked?
Bachelor #1: Ha! Relieved.
Bachelor #3: I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, I was singing “Chariots of Fire.” What can I say? I have a thing for Vangelis
BarWest
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