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Laughing stock: July stand-up comedy shows

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Anjelah Johnson, Dana Gould and Pauly Shore.

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Anjelah Johnson, Dana Gould and Pauly Shore.


“What’s the worst aisle of the grocery store to try to get kids down? The cereal aisle. You know why? Because little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that’s inside.”

—Jeff Foxworthy on Just for Laughs

@ Del Mar Fairgrounds,

Jeff Foxworthy. (Rick Diamond/Getty Images for Outback Concerts)



“One time this girl tried to hit on me, right, and it started becoming a regular thing, so I asked her, I was like, ‘Let me ask you a question. What is it about me that makes you think that I’m a lesbian?’ And her honest-to-god answer was, ‘Well, in your YouTube video, you say that you like your nails short, you don’t have a boyfriend, and I noticed that you always wear your hair in a ponytail.’ So I guess that’s all it takes to make the team. Just that, and drive a Subaru.”

—Anjelah Johnson on Anjelah Johnson: The Homecoming Show

@ Del Mar Fairgrounds,

Anjelah Johnson. (Ben Horton/Getty Images for NUVOtv)



“I want a dumb woman. I want a woman don’t know nothing about history. I come in the house when I want to. ‘Where you been?’ ‘Look, the Civil War’s going on outside, and you want to question me about where I been? Damn slavery going on, I’m trying to get us free.”

—Deray Davis on Comedy Shaq

@ American Comedy Co.,

Deray Davis. (John Lamparski/Getty Images)



“If I’m at a party, and my battery goes below 10 percent, I’m like, I gotta get the f*ck out of here. Because I don’t know how to get home anymore without f*cking Google Maps. I don’t know how to go anywhere. You could take me 5 miles from my house without my phone, drop me off, and I wouldn’t know what the f*ck to do. I would end up living there. It would be like Survivor.”

—Eddie Ifft at The Laugh Factory

 @ The Comedy Store,

Eddie Ifft. (Courtesy photo)



“As a 40-something-year-old guy, I don’t know how to dress. You dress too young, you look douchey. And you can tell you’re in the wrong place when I walk in and the kid who works there is like, ‘Hello sir, would you like to buy a gift card?’ ‘No, maybe I would like a shirt with a number on it for no reason. Do you have any more sweatshirts left with your fake athletic department?’”—John Heffron at Gotham Comedy Club

@ American Comedy Co.,

John Heffron. (Kevin Winter/Getty Images)



“If you’re edged ’cause I’m weazin’ all your grindage, just chill. ‘Cause if I had the whole Brady Bunch thing happenin’ at my pad, I’d go grind over there, so don’t tax my gig so hard-core cruster.”

—Pauly Shore as Stoney in Encino Man

@ The Comedy Store,

Pauly Shore. (Brad Barket/Getty Images for 90sFEST)



“It’s nice to be back in Hollywood. I was in San Diego last night. Hooked up with the hottest girl of my life. I did. Too bad she was crazy. After one day she was like, ‘I think I love you. I do. I think we’re going to married. I see signs.’ I see one, too. Mine says 405 North. I’m getting the hell away from you.”

—Tim Gaither at The Laugh Factory 

@ The Comedy Store,

Tim Gaither. (Courtesy photo)


7.21-22 DANA GOULD

“So, a somewhat odd thing happened to me a couple of months ago. I lost my wedding ring. I was in one of those, um, what do you call it? A divorce.”

—Dana Gould on Conan

@ American Comedy Co.,

Dana Gould. (Michael Kovac/Getty Images for Variety)



“Ivanka Trump helps women about as much as an empty box of tampons.”

—Michelle Wolf on Twitter

@ American Comedy Co.,

Michelle Wolf. (Jennifer Graylock/Getty Images for Gilda’s Club NYC)



“It’s going to get confusing. A lot of states will end up having gay marriage and common-law marriage. So what happens when you end up with two loser dudes sharing the same shitty apartment for a couple years? Both working part time at the pizza place, partying every weekend. A few years goes by—boom—they’re married. See them at a party. ‘I didn’t know Tony and Jim were gay. They’re newlyweds? When did they fall in love?’ ‘They didn’t. They just never got their shit together.’”—Paul Morrissey at Gotham Comedy Club

@ The Comedy Store,

Paul Morrissey. (Courtesy photo)

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