Hotel California would be on The Turkeys Greatest Hits CD.

“The Turkey has landed” would be the first words uttered on the moon.

Proud parents of high-achieving Boy Scouts would adorn their minivans with “My Son is a Turkey” bumper stickers.

The white-knuckle carrier of choice when hopping off to that magical weekend in Lubbock, Texas, would be American Turkey Airlines.

On September 20, Congress repealed the U.S. military’s controversial, nearly 18-year-old Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy, allowing gay, lesbian and bisexual service members to put their lives on the line alongside straight soldiers without having to hide their sexual orientation.

The news signals the end of a long personal battle for service members, including Camp Pendleton-based U.S. Marine Corps Corporal Kristofer Allgary, 23, who joined the Marines because he felt he “had an obligation to humanity.”

“My sexuality never even came into play; it was an afterthought,” says Allgary, who has been gay for as long as he can remember and is readying for his first deployment to Afghanistan. “Having to suppress who I was didn’t register because, for me, that’s not what being a Marine is about. It’s God, country, Corps…‘boyfriend’ is way down on the list.”

But once in the military, Allgary found himself struggling with a double life. “There was personal/social Kris and then there was Marine/work Kris,” he says. “I was a Boot [fresh out of boot camp]—stressed, angry, adjusting to the Marine environment—and having difficulty synchronizing my personalities. I was so angry for fear of being ‘found out,’ I formed fake friendships with other Marines to continue the facade and real friendships with civilians, who were my outlet to be free.”

Navy Lieutenant Jerry Cannon, based at the Southwest Region headquarters in downtown San Diego, has spent more than 20 years in the military “closet.” Married to a woman and then divorced at an early age, he explored bisexuality prior to enlisting; once he joined the Navy, his ambition—as illustrated by his current rank—trumped the pursuit of personal relationships. After 10 years, his frustration surfaced.

“I wrote a letter to my skipper saying I wanted out of the military because I was gay,” Cannon says. But he never delivered it. “Ultimately, my desire to be a success outweighed honesty with myself or anyone else. I figured, ‘I have 10 more years and I’ll get a paycheck the rest of my life. I can be gay then.’”

Since DADT’s repeal, Cannon has experienced a mild change in the demeanor of the sailors in his charge. “I don’t care so much if I snap my fingers or have a GQ magazine on my desk,” he says. “And I no longer have to lie to colleagues about the ‘girl’ I dated.”

Still, the lieutenant admits that conformity and discipline will always be at the military’s core. “It’s not like working on Wall Street or corporate America,” he says. “You sign a contract saying this is who you are and how you will act. You give up much of your personal freedom. But it’s a choice you make to serve.”

Lieutenant Cannon and Corporal Allgary agree: the repeal is a major step in the right direction—a victory for the LGBT community (and the military) and indicative of an ideological shift in America.

Yet political mines remain. For example, several Republican presidential candidates have gone on record with promises to “repeal the repeal.”

“Without a federal constitutional ban on this kind of discrimination,” Allgary says. there’s no guarantee that open service is eternal.”

Like a therapist, BFF or bikini waxer, photographer Ben DeCamp knows the secrets of women’s most private regions—he knows what’s inside their refrigerators.

In August, the 25-year-old Thomas Jefferson School of Law student launched hotgirlsfridges.com, showcasing photos of hot women next to photos of the contents of their refrigerators.

Within three days of going live, the site garnered more than 4,500 visitors, DeCamp says.

The project began as a joke, when DeCamp woke up in a girl’s apartment one morning and decided to raid her fridge.

Finding it nearly empty, he snapped a picture of its contents (or lack thereof ) and posted it on Facebook, alongside a photo of the fridge’s owner.

The rest is social media history. Now, there are more than 25 “hot girls” featured on the site, and women have begun to submit their own pics.

Why would they do such a thing?

“It’s because they want to prove that champagne isn’t the base of their food pyramid,” DeCamp says, adding that the healthiest fridge he has seen “looked like the Whole Foods produce aisle: a cornucopia of leafy greens, fruits and almond milk.”

As for the most remarkable, it’s “the one with the Tapatio sauce. There was nothing else in there except this glowing red bottle of hope and despair.”

DeCamp insists he doesn’t sleep with all of the women pictured on the site. He has standards, after all, and says there are things he looks for inside the homes of the women he’s considering dating: bookshelves (with actual books on them), dental floss in the trash (indicating good oral hygiene) and, of course, a fully stocked fridge.

Discover what else this still single, Albany, New York, native looks for in women—and their fridges—in this month’s blind date.

As if you hadn’t heard by now, MTV’s burning hot mess, The Real World: San Diego, began filming in Bird Rock last month.

“We’re excited to return to San Diego, a city that has always been a magnet for young people, with its beautiful beaches, sunny skies, laidback lifestyle and welcoming spirit,” says Jonathan Murray, the show’s executive producer.

Less excited are the La Jolla homeowners who’ve been complaining about increased automobile traffic in the neighborhood and the all-hours influx of lookie-loos swarming around the 6,800-square-foot, six-bedroom home on Chelsea Street.

Real World’s last San Diego sojourn (which aired in 2004) involved two arrests and one sexual assault investigation, which begs the question: Why import d-bags to America’s Finest for their quarter-hour of fame, when we already have our own supply of Kim Kardashians, Clay Aikens and, yes, even Snookies?

Here’s a list of homegrown reality shows we hear are already in the works.

Hard Knocks: San Diego Seduction
The hit HBO show, Hard Knocks, typically follows an NFL team as they prepare for the upcoming season. But with the lockout cutting training camps short, this series will instead document the lives of our ladies in the Lingerie Football League (which really exists, BTW). Watch as players work out rigorously, train in front of flocks of fans/creepers, try to recruit tight ends from Pure Platinum and straight up knock the silicone out each other.

The Surfer Whisperer
Capitalizing on the ratings success of The Dog Whisperer (National Geographic Channel’s popular pooch-training program), The Surfer Whisperer is hosted by bad-ass surfer, Jeff Spicoli, now a balding, 50-something insurance salesman. Not since Fast Times at Ridgemont High has Spicoli wasted this much time. Watch as he helps locals understand his native people by establishing dominance over the surfer packs with his extreme “whatever” attitude and his in-depth knowledge of California burritos. He also deciphers their complex language, including how the word “bro” has 32 different meanings.

Tijuana Idol
Our neighbor to the South has exported a lot of musical talent, including Carlos Santana and Frankie J., with even more talent to be discovered. So, in this musical competition, celebrity judges George Lopez and the guy from the Tapatío hot sauce bottle judge performers as a total package, based on singing, dancing, thickness of mustache and the ability to rock the accordion in a 14-person band. Muy caliente!

The Real Househusbands of Hillcrest
Seriously, how is this not on Bravo yet?

Survivor: Santee
Watch as contestants attempt to survive the doldrums in a place where the most exciting attractions are a Sonic burger joint and the Museum of Creation and Earth History (as in: God good, evolution bad). Hot weather, crumbling strip malls, an abundance of tribal tattoos and rampant unemployment (in the non-meth lab sector) are just some of the elements these players will have to face. Immunity challenges include changing the tires on their neighbors lifted trucks (and homes) without getting shot—and trying to find something, ANYTHING, to do.

Lockup: La Jolla
This documentary about prison life brings you inside Trump Penitentiary, where basic cable, limited cell phone reception and conjugal visits with only your wife makes it almost not worth the millions swindled. The Japanese tea garden (aka “the yard”) is segregated into two major groups: the Martha Stewart Mafia and the Madoff Militia. The key to surviving here? Make someone your butler before you become theirs.

Ultimate Space-Cake Off
In the only prescription cake-making competition, 347 of San Diego’s top dispensaries battle for the tastiest and most medicinal cakes. Watch as teams develop new recipes, try some samples (aka “quality control”), play Xbox for a few hours, laugh at the funniest thing ever, forget the funniest thing ever, try more samples and then sit there awhile longer before finally completing their cakes—only to eat them when the munchies kick in again.

Mildred
Kendra isn’t the only floozy who can sleep with a creepy old guy and get her own show. This docudrama follows Mildred Patricia Baena, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid/mistress, as she moves to San Diego to start a new life and housekeeping empire (slogan: cleaning house, with a little dirty on the side). Watch as Mildred mops floors, dusts shelves and makes special appearances at 99 Cent Only Stores amid public comments of “Her? Really?” and “Que tetas inmensas!”

YO! Actor/director Sylvester Stallone, star of the moldy-but-goodie Rocky film franchise, turns 65 this month. (Courtesy PR Photos)

By Zoltan Illes

Summertime is all about hot movies and even hotter bodies. So, what better way to inspire beach-body conditioning than incorporating your favorite movies into your mundane workouts?

Here are eight fun fitness programs that celebrate both Hollywood and life in San Diego, while simultaneously helping you sculpt a silver-screen physique.

Pumping Iron Weight Lifting
Long before Arnold Schwarzenegger ravaged the California economy, the English language and his female staff, he was a very accomplished bodybuilder. This famous documentary shows just how easy it is to get pumped up at the gym. All you need is the dedication to hit the gym every day, the self-confidence of three Donald Trumps and the ability to scream like a dying cat every time you do a rep. Oh, and a butt load of steroids, of course.

Rocky Cardio Training
Start by running sprints along the water in Mission Beach while wearing extra small shorts and knee-high striped socks. Then, try to catch a chicken from one of the residential coops proliferating North County. End your workout by running up the stairs of the Convention Center downtown. Be sure to avoid the name-tag wearing, tote-bag carrying, pant-suited ladies and polo-shirted guys (aka conventioneers) as you’re jumping around in victory, singing Eye of the Tiger. (Actually, they’ll probably avoid you.)

The Notebook Resistance Training
Watch this movie and try to hold back your tears as long as you can. The more you watch, the harder it gets, providing a great workout for your tear ducts. Bonus: swallowing the lump in your throat helps tighten the neck muscles.

Top Gun Volleyball
Put on your tightest Wrangler jeans, tape up your wrists, throw on your dog tags and oil up your buddies. Although you’re dressed just right for Pride, this serious workout takes place in Ocean Beach, helping your relive the awesomeness of the volleyball scene from this classic 1980s hit movie, filmed right here in San Diego. Just remember: no shirts, no women and no serve until you strike a macho-ass pose.

Breakin’ Breakdance Fighting
This movie was one of the first to show the incredible strength, agility and hard work it takes to breakdance. It also shows that you can solve many of today’s problems by popping and/or locking. Some big company wants to shut down your local rec center? Battle. Someone cuts ahead of you in line at Target? Battle. Get pulled over for a DUI? Call a lawyer. Battling would just get you jail time, as your killer dance moves are considered a deadly weapon. Word!

Brokeback Mountain Bareback Riding
This film shows you how to mount and ride him all day long for an exhilarating workout. Your horse, silly, not your training buddy.

Anchorman Intensity Training
Set in 1970s San Diego, this classic comedy teaches us how to “stay classy.” And although there is no fitness portrayed in the film, make your workouts more intense by basing them on the behavior of Ron Burgundy and his crew. Simply perform your normal routine wearing nothing but polyester—bell-bottoms, butterfly collars and leisure suits. Your core body temperature will climb to 110 degrees, helping you burn twice the normal calories (and brain cells). Not to mention, you’ll be the biggest deal on the elliptical.

Dirty Dancing Couples Cardio
Never mind the fact the Patrick Swayze’s character was 35 and Baby was 16, this film shows us that couples dancing is a great way to get a hot body. Just look at Kirstie Alley on Dancing with the Stars. On a sexy scale, she went from “eww” to “ehh.” Erotically grinding against someone at one of many clubs in the Gaslamp is proven to burn calories, raise metabolism and make new friends you’ll regret giving your number to.

“World peace and a big, chilled glass of locally brewed beer.”
–San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders

“Some well-deserved R & R for our amazing staff at FLUXX and Side Bar—they have worked really hard this year and deserve a nice break. And for the Celtics to beat LA in the NBA Finals!”
–Dave Renzella,
partner, RMD Group

“I would be happy if someone who is normally a little less fortunate was able to have a more fortunate holiday this year.”
–Geena the Latina, co-host of the Frankie and Geena radio broadcast, Channel 933

“All I want for Christmas is to finally find my true LOVE and get my bills paid. Please, Santa, don’t disappoint!”
-Ruben Galvan, reporter,
San Diego 6 News in the Morning

“For Christmas I would love to get an Ecosmart Fusion fireplace for my office”
–Monica Boselli, president,
No Ties Management modeling agency

“The opportunity to create more jobs in 2011. Also, I want twins—gotta keep up with those Malarkeys.”
-James Brennan, partner, Stingaree and Searsucker (where chef/co-owner Brian Malarkey is at the helm)

“My husband and I are expecting our first child on December 23rd, so the best Christmas gift ever will be to meet our unborn daughter, Juliette, for the first time, and for her to be a healthy little girl.”
–Josefine Josenhans, sales and marketing manager, The Shout! House

“I would like a state-of-the-art private helicopter, a pair of icecold tinted-blue aviators, an iPad, a platinum/diamond Fendi watch and ultra-sleek luggage. I’d be flying to a dream dinner party on a private beach in Buenos Aires with my loving wife, my little angel six-year-old daughter and all my dearest family and friends (including special guests Tom Ford, Kim Kardashian, John legend and newlyweds Mr. and Mrs. Russell Brand) to bring the sparkle of the holidays to life.”
–Jay Jones, managing editor, KUSI 9 NEWS

“Bring a playoff game to the people of San Diego next year.”
–Joe Thatcher, pitcher,
San Diego Padres

“I would like to receive the gift of spending some much needed time with my family. Simple as it may seem, some of us are not afforded the opportunity to spend as much quality time with our family as often as we may like. Family is a gift that keeps on giving and will not be here forever.”
–Evan M. Lopez, VIP manager,
Hard Rock Hotel San Diego VIP Services

“Anything that is personal, something meaningful. And a surfboard.”
–Shaun Phillips, linebacker, San Diego Chargers

“Although Santa has told me that I’m on the ‘good list’ this year, I’m not sure that I will be getting the Hermes Birkin Bag I’ve been wanting. So, this year, I’m wishing for A a French bulldog. (And a box of Claritin to go along with it!)”
– Francine Miley, Director of Marketing and Business Development, Fashion Valley

By David Perloff
Photos By Jeff “Turbo” Corrigan

“A” is for corn, “P” is for mushrooms, “I” is for chives. Then there’s that “F”-ing chicken.

For this food-focused issue of PacificSD, the concept was to replicate our logo and set a magazine cover-table with locally sourced food. Just one problem—none of the editorial staff had taken on a project of this magnitude since making their names out of macaroni in day camp. We needed help.

Although his Hillcrest restaurant, Eden, was set to open in six days, chef Scot Wagner agreed to spend a day playing with his food for our benefit. On a rainy day just over a week ago (really, this happened October 19), he used ingredients gathered from local purveyors to lay out his culinary masterpiece: a 48-by-58- inch tableau of epicurean perfection. Yummy.

What, exactly, goes into setting such a table? This does:

Chef: Scotty Wagner    Sous Chef: Enrique Carino
Executive Producer: Rob Corea  Photographer: Jeff “Turbo” Corrigan

P: Maitaki and oyster mushrooms, Sage Mountain Farms,Temecula,
sagemountainfarm.com

A: Sweet corn, Sage Mountain Farms

C: Red snapper, Catalina Offshore Products Inc., Bay Park.
catalinaop.com

I: Chives, Suzie’s Organic
Farm, Imperial Beach,
suziesfarm.com

F: Organic chicken, Womach Ranch Farms, Julian,
womachranch.com

I: Stone Pale Ale, Stone Brewing Co.,  Escondido, stonebrew.com

C: Baby beets, Suzie’s Organic Farm

Baguettes, Bread & Cie, Hillcrest, breadandcie.com

Top Row:
-Cypress Grove Midnight Moon cheese from Venissimo Cheese, Mission Hills, venissimo.com. Baguettes from Bread & Cie Bakery, Hillcrest, breadandcie.com
-Bartlett pear and Japanese persimmons from Sage Mountain Farms, Temecula, sagemountainfarm.com
-Baby fingerling potatoes from Suzie’s Organic Farm, Imperial Beach, suziesfarm.com. Sourdough seeded batard from Bread & Cie, Hillcrest, breadandcie.com

Bottom Row:
- Fresh sea urchin caught off Point Loma, San Diego spiny lobster, spot prawns from Santa Barbara, wild Abalone from Baja California, all available at Catalina Offshore Products Inc., catalinaop.com
-Organic, hand-raised beef from Brandt Beef, Brawley, California
-Heirloom baby carrots and Hass avocado from Suzie’s O rganic Farm, Imperial Beach, suziesfarm.com. Turban squash from Sage Mountain Farms, Temecula, sagemountainfarm.com

By David Perloff

Some celebrities treat lots of days like Halloween. Lady Gaga just sported a meat dress on MTV, Prince Poppycock’s been scaring guys back into the closet on America’ Got Talent, and the cast of Jersey Shore are caricatures of themselves seven days a week. (You know what situation I’m tawkin’ abowww? Boo-yah! Fuhgettaboutit!)

When Halloween actually arrives, celebs go batsh!t. When the doorbell rings and the kids go, “Trick or Treat,” even Jack in the Box wears a costume—basically, he paints his head beige, throws on a brunette wig and goes as Rosie O’Donnell. As you step out onto the stage-blood-soaked red carpet at the end of the month, here are some of the other celebrity costumes you might see.

Bud Black*: The Invisible Man
The Padres manager goes transparent for a night to commemorate the fact that, whenever the playoffs come around, the Pads are nowhere to be seen.

Paris Hilton: Prize Fighter with Bloody Nose
All she   really needs is boxing gloves and Everlast shorts—the cocaine should take care of the blood part.

Jamarcus Russell: Phillip Rivers
The drug-smuggling ex-Oakland Raider can pretend to be a real quarterback (like our hometown hero, Mr. Rivers), even if just for one night.

Glenn Beck: Obama Mask with Hitler Mustache
Fresh off his Million White Guy March (some estimates put the Washington Mall crowd at closer to 50,000), the crackpot newscaster has compared our 44th President to the fuhrer. Heil, Glenn!

Kate Gosselin: A Samsonite Suitcase
To complete the look for the whole family, the Kate Plus Ei8ht star dresses her kids as carry-ons. When you have this much baggage, there’s no sense in trying to hide it.

Mel Gibson: Road Warrior
No costume needed—the hammered anti-Semite can simply fly down Mulholland Drive shrieking racial epithets out the car window, then blame the Jews when he gets pulled over. (It’s not just the Jews, Mel…God hates you, too.)

Adam Lambert*: Six-Foot Weiner
“Walmart sold out of Simon Cowell masks,” the American Idol winner says. “This seemed like the next closest match.”

Christine O’Donnell: Wicked Witch of the East
The anti-masturbation member of the Tea Party recently revealed that she practiced witchcraft in college. The accessory: a tub of Vaseline, of course. Ahh…therein lies the rub.

Shawn Merriman*: Trojan Man
Having dated Tila Tequila, the Chargers’ linebacker has learned the value of protection. The costume comes with bottle of Valtrex as an accessory.

Phil Mickelson*: Charles Barkley
The pro-golfer wants the world to know that he isn’t the only overweight celebrity athlete with a gambling problem.

Demi Moore: Rumer (her eldest daughter)
With skin so wrinkle-free from all the Botox, all Demi has to do is throw on one of Rumer’s short dresses (they wear the same size, after all) to look like she’s the same age as the girls her husband’s been shagging. Dude, where’s my car? Check the parking lot at Déjà Vu.

By Lenny J. Ploffer

No matter where you live in the county, on the day after Independence Day, there’s bound to be a mess. And whether you join the legions of beach cleaners who volunteer for San Diego Coastkeeper, or you’re still flicking cigarette butts out of the car window, you’re bound to notice the debris.

Depending on which neighborhood you call home, here’s what you can expect to find the morning after the fireworks while picking up the pieces from America’s 234th birthday.

Gaslamp: Body glitter, VIPwrist-bands, hair extensions

North Park: Fake eyelashes (unisex), guitar pics, fedoras

Hillcrest: Probably not much (the place is sparkling for Pride), but perhaps some tossed-aside tiaras and rainbow American flags

Coronado: Viagra and denture removal ointment (not necessarily in that order)

Pacific Beach: Red plastic cups from all the house parties, tanning salon receipts, disposable fingernails, nightclub flyers

Ocean Beach: Actually, almost nothing—nearly everything found on the ground gets smoked, eaten or used as bait…except on Dog Beach, we hope.

La Jolla: Sea lion guano, tourists’ lens caps, cougars wandering since Jack’s closed

Del Mar: Diapers, sippy-cups, overalls and other carnie refuse from the fair

Rancho Santa Fe: Bentley key fobs, five-dollar bills, desperate housewives, foreclosure notices

El Cajon: Unsold Hummers; Budweiser cans; red, white and blue NASCAR paraphernalia

San Ysidro: Outlet mall shopping bags, shell casings, pulverized Obama piñatas

Mission Beach: Fake I.D.s, square-brimmed baseball caps (turned slightly sideways), empty kegs, the charred remains of a lifeguard tower

By Logan Broyles
(Published in the June 2010 issue)

She’s known as comedy’s Queen of Mean, and works hard to maintain that rep. After all, being a regular on Comedy Centrals Roast of… series helps comedian Lisa Lampanelli pay the bills.

After years of working her way up it seems the foul-mouthed sweetheart of comedy’s star is on the rise. In advance of her June 4 stand-up appearance at Pechanga, comedian Lisa Lampanelli talks with PacificSD about her career, her “fitness” and her newfound love interest.

PacificSD: You were a journalist before turning to comedy. Why the switch?
Lisa Lampanelli: You tell me. I mean, 10 grand a year versus being a billionaire? I think that’s an easy choice, huh?

How did you get started in stand-up?
Lampanelli: I took a little comedy class in Connecticut from a guy named Michael Jackson, not the dead one, and he taught us how to put together our first five minutes of material and kind of got me to where I thought I could get up the nerve to get onstage. Thankfully, it went really well. I called in sick the next day and then I started bucking to be laid off, ‘cause I just knew what was gonna happen—that it would lead to my wealthy celebrity status that I have today.

Have you ever been nervous about making fun of someone?
Lampanelli: Well if  you like a person you can make fun of them and they won’t take it personally, but what I worry about is when I have to roast people who I don’t like, and there are a couple of those. You know, certainly nobody that’s a main roastee, because they wouldn’t say yes to being roasted if they were going to get angry. But some of the people on the Roasts aren’t my favorite and it’s really hard to make fun of them cuz you don’t want people to know that you actually don’t like them. The Roasts only work if the audience senses that people are friends.

Courtney Love comes to mind….
Lampanelli: You know what’s weird, she was so nice to me that I really didn’t hate her. You know she’s a really odd chick and you know, not so great to look at. She’s getting really hard on the old eyes.

Have you ever regretted any of your jokes?
Lampanelli: No, but I was a little scared to make fun of Gary Busey when we were roasting Larry the Cable Guy, because Gary Busey is insane. He’s literally had a brain injury. So, like, is he gonna not know I’m kidding? Is he gonna rush the stage? You just never know. Thankfully, he was so out of it he didn’t even understand that we were making fun of him. Also, I did a joke about Jerry Lewis when I was with him at the Friar’s Club, where I said “Don’t worry, Jerry, it’s almost over…and I don’t mean the roast.” And then he had a heart attack two days later. I like to think that I had something to do with that.

Where’s your favorite place to perform?
Lampanelli: I’m sure you’d like for me to say whatever craphole I’m performing at, Pechanga or whatever—that’s my absolute favorite place in the world. That’s where I put on my best show. It wouldn’t be Radio City Music Hall. It wouldn’t be Carnegie Hall. It would absolutely be the Pechanga Resort, so people should come out. How’s that for bullsh!tting you?

Very well done. What do you think about San Diego?
Lampanelli: It’s not as sleek as LA, but the people still have money, which, you know, I don’t want no poor folks coming to my show, ‘cause they can’t afford the tickets and the merchandise. Also there’s a lot of different minorities, a lot of Mexicans—not as many as LA or Mexico, but you’re catching up.

Do you change your routine based on where you are?
Lampanelli: Nah I don’t change anything for anybody. None of you’s is more special than the other. Let me do say that I never do the same show twice because for comics it kind of depends on the audience, and who’s there and the different dynamic in the room. So people never see the same show, especially because I’m working on a new Comedy Central Special, so it’s all new material now. But I don’t really tailor it for like specific areas or anything like that.

June is PacificSD’s body issue, so I have to ask: What you do to stay in shape?
Lampanelli: You know what’s sick about me? I am the most physically fit chubby bitch, and it really pisses me off. I go to Candy Ranch Health Spa in Tucson, Arizona, where I have a house. They’re like, “Your bone density, your heart, all that’s in the best shape we’ve ever seen. Yet, you have so much body fat.” I’m like, “F#&$! you, you dirty Jews. So, basically I now have to work my ass off twice as hard, do the treadmills and all that crap. I gotta eat 1,500 rotten calories a day, and I’m still a chubby bitch. Lucky enough, I found a white guy who loves me despite the big ass, so I think things are looking up.

Why should PacificSD readers see your show?
Lampanelli: I say the C-word. I call people the N-word. Wouldn’t you like to go see that?

Sounds like fun for the whole family. What would you say if I told you I’m thinking about becoming a comedian?
Lampanelli: I would say quit, because you’re not funny. You know 90 percent of people suck ass and will never get beyond maybe $1,500 a week headlining at the Chuckle Hut. So I would say kill yourself or quit.

Thanks for the career advice, Lisa.