It's the end of the world, who's hungry?
The zombie apocalypse is now, and it’s creating ravenous appetites among A- (and B- and C-) list celebs dying to get even. Revenge is a dish best devoured at body temperature, so let the face-eating begin.
It’s In The Bag
Chainsaw responds to reader mail
When responsible human beings form opinions about sports – or anything else for that matter – they shan’t dare express them before first checking with the Dean of American Sportscasters, His Dishonorable Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph.
Give (me a break)
Philanthropy, it’s all about the giver, er, I mean giving
Maybe I’m missing the point about charity and philanthropy and good-deed-doing. Is there really such a thing? There’s a famous episode of Friends in which Joey declares there are no selfless good deeds, because if giving makes you feel good, then it is self-serving.
Gosh Bless America
OMG, I love this country
It was only 236 years ago this month that John Hancock tweeted, “Check out my me-moment on the D of I. T.J.’s signature was only half as big, and he authored it! Doesn’t matter, this thing won’t last. LOL.”
Message in a bottle, a revelation
There was a time when tossing bottles into the water was more socially acceptable. I submit to you a true “message in a bottle” story that even Jonathon Sparks couldn’t make up (mostly because it doesn’t involve quite enough death and despair—some, but not to his standard).
No man is an island but I kinda created one
I grabbed my fanny pack, camera and souvenirs, retrieved my shirt out of the hamper and made my way out of there, Michael Corleone-style—you know, after you shoot the guy, walk out fast, but not too fast. Don’t look anybody directly in the eye, but don’t look away, either.
Chainsaw’s Mailbag: The Dean of American Sports has an answer for everything
Thousands of San Diegans find Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph questionable on 100.7 JACK-fm, weekday mornings with the Dave, Shelly & Chainsaw show.
The Sweet 16 of Celebrity Madness—which notorious lunatic outdid them all in 2011-12?
The PacificSD polling staff painstakingly selected 16 finalists and calculated 73 billion different computer simulations to come up with these stunning results.
Lust See Attractions
An insider's peep at the mating habits of celebrities and athletes
In keeping with its long-standing tradition of presenting half-time acts that are at least 25 years past their prime, the NFL is foisting the legendary diva Madonna upon us for the big game’s intermission on February 5.
Occupied San Diego
I'm ready to start my own movement
“The difference between me screaming at someone locked inside a portable toilet and the protesters chanting on Wall Street is that the object of my scorn can actually hear me.”
Fruits of Your Labor
10 ways to ensure you're ripe for a holiday bonus*
If you’re up for a holiday bonus this year, you’re probably one of the lucky one percent the “occupy” vagrants hate, so consider yourself blessed. Keep that company gift in play with these simple tips.
The ultimate Thanksgiving: my acceptance speech in heaven
Thank you so, so much. This is such a surprise. By the way, where the hell am I? Just kidding, just kidding. Forgive me for not preparing anything—frankly, I was too busy jamming that asbestos jumpsuit into my carry-on in case I landed in that other place, if you know what I mean.
For the Birds
Damn bald eagles—they make Thanksgiving so fowl
Had Benjamin Franklin gotten his way, the turkey would be our national bird, and Michael Vick would be getting concussions with the Philadelphia Turkeys of the NFC East.
How Do I Loathe Thee
Sport-hate, not to be confused with genuine hate
Ever been watching a game on TV when a particular athlete comes on and you find yourself saying “I hate that guy”? I contend you don’t genuinely hate that guy. But you definitely “sport-hate” him.
No reason to take a gamble on the Chargers—I’ve already seen the games
Within my vast array of incredibly awesome gifts (which includes unparalleled humility) is the ability to have timetraveling dreams that foretell actual events.