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Chainsaw

  • Hawaiian Shirt
    No man is an island but I kinda created one

    I grabbed my fanny pack, camera and souvenirs, retrieved my shirt out of the hamper and made my way out of there, Michael Corleone-style—you know, after you shoot the guy, walk out fast, but not too fast. Don’t look anybody directly in the eye, but don’t look away, either.

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  • Chain Reactions
    Chainsaw’s Mailbag: The Dean of American Sports has an answer for everything

    Thousands of San Diegans find Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph questionable on 100.7 JACK-fm, weekday mornings with the Dave, Shelly & Chainsaw show.

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  • Odd Balls
    The Sweet 16 of Celebrity Madness—which notorious lunatic outdid them all in 2011-12?

    The PacificSD polling staff painstakingly selected 16 finalists and calculated 73 billion different computer simulations to come up with these stunning results.

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  • Lust See Attractions
    An insider's peep at the mating habits of celebrities and athletes

    In keeping with its long-standing tradition of presenting half-time acts that are at least 25 years past their prime, the NFL is foisting the legendary diva Madonna upon us for the big game’s intermission on February 5.

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  • Occupied San Diego
    I'm ready to start my own movement

    “The difference between me screaming at someone locked inside a portable toilet and the protesters chanting on Wall Street is that the object of my scorn can actually hear me.”

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  • Fruits of Your Labor
    10 ways to ensure you're ripe for a holiday bonus*

    If you’re up for a holiday bonus this year, you’re probably one of the lucky one percent the “occupy” vagrants hate, so consider yourself blessed. Keep that company gift in play with these simple tips.

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  • Grateful Dead
    The ultimate Thanksgiving: my acceptance speech in heaven

    Thank you so, so much. This is such a surprise. By the way, where the hell am I? Just kidding, just kidding. Forgive me for not preparing anything—frankly, I was too busy jamming that asbestos jumpsuit into my carry-on in case I landed in that other place, if you know what I mean.

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  • For the Birds
    Damn bald eagles—they make Thanksgiving so fowl

    Had Benjamin Franklin gotten his way, the turkey would be our national bird, and Michael Vick would be getting concussions with the Philadelphia Turkeys of the NFC East.

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  • How Do I Loathe Thee
    Sport-hate, not to be confused with genuine hate

    Ever been watching a game on TV when a particular athlete comes on and you find yourself saying “I hate that guy”? I contend you don’t genuinely hate that guy. But you definitely “sport-hate” him.

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  • You Bet
    No reason to take a gamble on the Chargers—I’ve already seen the games

    Within my vast array of incredibly awesome gifts (which includes unparalleled humility) is the ability to have timetraveling dreams that foretell actual events.

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  • Chainsaw: Yoga-Cide
    105-Degree Murder

    We began with something called the “downward dog,” which is a cross between advanced plyometrics and prison sex.

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  • Chainsaw: Hard Bodies
    Statues and other firm memorials

    Stand anywhere close and you’re looking right up that girl’s skirt. It’s like being a munchkin under the subway grating, peering up at Marilyn Monroe’s nether regions.

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  • A Diamond in the Rough
    The finer side of America's favorite pastime

    Baseball consists of little more than a gathering of men who occasionally burst into flurries of action during an otherwise mundane three-hour period of standing, sitting, cursing, chewing, spitting and package adjustment.

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  • A Drop in the Bucket

    By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph (Published in the February 2011 issue) As I reflect on another NFL season, particularly the playoffs and the Super Bowl, I’m reminded how former San Francisco 49ers running back Roger Craig is responsible for Jim Carrey’s superstardom, the sitcom Friends, our national obsession with Jennifer Aniston’s fertility, the fate of Third World orphans and one less Hall of [...]

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  • Little Boy Blue
    The curious case of the blue ice bomber (a true story)

    January is the month of renewal, of fresh beginnings, of rebirth. Yet, for me at least, the idea of rebirth can never be contemplated without thinking of my original birth. It’s a strange tale, but, according to those who know me best, it explains a lot.

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