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Chainsaw

  • Lust See Attractions
    An insider's peep at the mating habits of celebrities and athletes

    In keeping with its long-standing tradition of presenting half-time acts that are at least 25 years past their prime, the NFL is foisting the legendary diva Madonna upon us for the big game’s intermission on February 5.

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  • Occupied San Diego
    I'm ready to start my own movement

    “The difference between me screaming at someone locked inside a portable toilet and the protesters chanting on Wall Street is that the object of my scorn can actually hear me.”

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  • Fruits of Your Labor
    10 ways to ensure you're ripe for a holiday bonus*

    If you’re up for a holiday bonus this year, you’re probably one of the lucky one percent the “occupy” vagrants hate, so consider yourself blessed. Keep that company gift in play with these simple tips.

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  • Grateful Dead
    The ultimate Thanksgiving: my acceptance speech in heaven

    Thank you so, so much. This is such a surprise. By the way, where the hell am I? Just kidding, just kidding. Forgive me for not preparing anything—frankly, I was too busy jamming that asbestos jumpsuit into my carry-on in case I landed in that other place, if you know what I mean.

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  • For the Birds
    Damn bald eagles—they make Thanksgiving so fowl

    Had Benjamin Franklin gotten his way, the turkey would be our national bird, and Michael Vick would be getting concussions with the Philadelphia Turkeys of the NFC East.

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  • How Do I Loathe Thee
    Sport-hate, not to be confused with genuine hate

    Ever been watching a game on TV when a particular athlete comes on and you find yourself saying “I hate that guy”? I contend you don’t genuinely hate that guy. But you definitely “sport-hate” him.

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  • You Bet
    No reason to take a gamble on the Chargers—I’ve already seen the games

    Within my vast array of incredibly awesome gifts (which includes unparalleled humility) is the ability to have timetraveling dreams that foretell actual events.

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  • Chainsaw: Yoga-Cide
    105-Degree Murder

    We began with something called the “downward dog,” which is a cross between advanced plyometrics and prison sex.

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  • Chainsaw: Hard Bodies
    Statues and other firm memorials

    Stand anywhere close and you’re looking right up that girl’s skirt. It’s like being a munchkin under the subway grating, peering up at Marilyn Monroe’s nether regions.

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  • A Diamond in the Rough
    The finer side of America's favorite pastime

    Baseball consists of little more than a gathering of men who occasionally burst into flurries of action during an otherwise mundane three-hour period of standing, sitting, cursing, chewing, spitting and package adjustment.

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  • A Drop in the Bucket

    By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph (Published in the February 2011 issue) As I reflect on another NFL season, particularly the playoffs and the Super Bowl, I’m reminded how former San Francisco 49ers running back Roger Craig is responsible for Jim Carrey’s superstardom, the sitcom Friends, our national obsession with Jennifer Aniston’s fertility, the fate of Third World orphans and one less Hall of [...]

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  • Little Boy Blue
    The curious case of the blue ice bomber (a true story)

    January is the month of renewal, of fresh beginnings, of rebirth. Yet, for me at least, the idea of rebirth can never be contemplated without thinking of my original birth. It’s a strange tale, but, according to those who know me best, it explains a lot.

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  • Ask and Ye Shall Reprieve
    What would Chris Boyer do?

    We all know someone like Chris Boyer: the eccentric at work that says outrageous things, but he’s so honest and childlike, you love him anyway.

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  • Letter Man
    Jack-FM's all-knowing sports guru responds to reader mail

    No matter how long you Google search, no matter how many college professors you ask, no matter how passionately you pray, some questions can be answered by only one man.

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  • Dead Man Talking
    A local radio host's broadcast career rises from the grave

    If you’ve listened to San Diego morning radio in the past 25 years (or read this magazine in the past four), you probably know that Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph, who co-starred on KGB-FM’s Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw Show (aka The DSC), recently lost his job.

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